Imagine you are organising your wedding.

You are Brad and Angelina, Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis, Gavin and Stacey. Everyone is dee-bloody-lighted that you are tying the knot. You are the perfect couple.

You hire the best venue – the Taj Mahal / Playboy Mansion / Disneyland / Wetherspoons, whatever.

You get the most romper-stomper, kick-ass skankin’ wedding band money can buy, cast iron guaranteed to get granny flashing her knickers and head-butting the vicar.

You lay on a free bar, Heston Blumenthal does the catering, hot and cold running prostitutes, a class-A drug fountain….
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…and still all the guests sit round with faces like slapped arses, determined to have a miserable time and be in bed by ten o’clock. See where I am going with this? 

The list of event organisers’ responsibilities, as kindly supplied by the sloping shoulders department at British Cycling, is long but distinguished, and expensive. But the event, and the sport, needs all involved to take responsibility for making these weekends into the cross-country carnival they could be.

Newnham is going to be our final roll of the National XC dice, so here’s how you can raise the roof down in Devon –

1. Prepare your noisemakers. Drums, whistles, trumpets, chainsaws, saucepan lids, bring ‘em all. Just no violins, recorders or acoustic guitars.
2. Get there early and stay. Don’t just skid in for your race / practice and bugger off to find some wi-fi immediately afterwards, stay, be part of it and make it better.
3. It ain’t going to kill you to have a beer and a burger. Very, very few of us are going to be anywhere near a podium finish so a few beers and a bit of a jig to the live music won’t adversely affect your assault on a top 30 finish. At Pembrey the campsite was heaving but the bar was empty, which was great for fast service but a bit sad nonetheless.
4. Dress code is smart casual. Let’s try to wear some riding kit that won’t scare young children. You may be a cover model for ‘Old Men in Skinsuits Monthly’ but baggies are definitely king.
5. You know those races where the atmosphere has been amazing, the noise as you come into the technical sections has been deafening? Well those people making the noise weren’t worshipping at the altar of your gnarliness, they just understood their roles as spectators. When not racing, your role is noisemaker. Go prepared with your one-man band and everyone will join in the roar. Watch the footage of the Lourdes World Cup D/H, and bring it to Newnham. 

To help you plan your noise making journey, here's a spectator map of the course.

There is a worrying trend for course practice at the National XC to follow the following format –

1. Sign on with the rest of the English speaking world when registration opens at 1200.
2. Head straight out onto the course for your pre-ride.
3. Stand and wait with everyone else to look at / have a go at the first ‘A’ line you come to.
4. Repeat again, and again, and again.
5. Moan about it incessantly.

 
For Round Two, you have options. If you choose not to take any of them, fill your boots but don’t bleat about the queues afterwards. Your options are –
 

1. Enter the Moonlit Soggy on the Friday night. That means you get a couple of laps of the course on the Friday, under a full moon, and you can sit back smugly all day Saturday.
2. Enter the Beat The Bike 5km trail run, also on the Friday night. You can still wear your skinsuit if it makes you feel better, and it’ll probably be the fastest lap you do all weekend!
3. Track walk. Yes, walk! Again, you can wear your skinsuit and helmet if you wish, but you can do a track walk on Saturday morning, bright and early, just like the downhillers do.
4. Skip the ‘A’ lines on lap one. Follow the B.C. recommended pre-ride plan, just ride the ‘B’ lines on lap one, then come back and look at the ‘A’ lines one lap two, when everyone else has gone.
5. Enter the Soggy Bottom series. Oh, you missed that one!

 
The organisers have enough to do without chasing riders off the course when they aren’t supposed to be there. It’s boring, it’s always the same people, and you aren’t insured to be out there so play by the rules like everyone else. 

Gratuitous attempt to get a Tank Girl picture into a blog? Who, me?